It was back in January, right after I first heard THOSE WORDS, “Your symptoms are consistent with Lyme Disease,” that I made my last post. Since then I’ve been trying to process, seek help for and integrate that news. (Plus, my brain has been toast. The posts I tried to write go in circles and make no sense.)
In the five months following there’ve been over forty health appointments and countless vials of blood drawn. A handful of those appointments yielded more unsavory news such as multiple viruses, bacterial infections, toxic levels of mercury as well as other heavy metals. No wonder I’m so exhausted! My immune system has been working nonstop trying to knock out the undesirables.
There was talk of my body being poisoned by GMO foods. Ever heard of that? Just as Lyme is hotly debated, so is this topic. To the “scientific minds” (or those paid) to quickly to attack this possibility I say: A serious threat to one’s life tends to open the mind to all possibilities. After much reading online, it seems that science is just as full of opinions and personal spin as my posts are. In my research I’ve come across stories of “sciencey types” who completely change their tune once they, or a loved one, personally experiences a “mystery” illness.
This article in Elle magazine covering GMO poisoning was thought provoking, and of course, blasted by commenters. The waters are so muddied that truth can no longer be determined by the reasoning mind. If you read it, I hope you’ll allow your gut instinct to be the judge.
Also within my system —a retrovirus, the Covert Ops of viruses. This virus, made of RNA(which has vital roles in the coding, decoding, regulation, and expression of genes) has the ability to enter normal DNA cells, take them over, turn them into a virus cell and then get away with hiding in plain sight simply by keeping up the appearances of a DNA cell. The body won’t attack DNA cells because the real ones are the good guys. This is how an immune system can become so compromised. Retrovirus cells can duplicate, taking over more and more healthy cells while keeping themselves under the radar. (Thankfully, I do not have HIV, but the retrovirus is in that family.)
Interestingly, GMO-foods are totally linked to RNA and retroviruses. In a quote from the book Food Politics: What Everyone Needs to Know, author Robert Paarlberg writes:
“In 2002, one UK organization named Farming and Livestock Concern went so far as to warn officials from the government of Zambia that it would be unwise to accept GMO maize from the U.S. as food aid because inside the human body it could form a retrovirus similar to HIV.”
On my journey to finding the right professionals to make these diagnoses I’ve sat in front of a host of medical doctors who, after ordering blood work that came back normal leaned in the same direction:
” You have symptoms of depression.”
“Kim, we really should talk about anti-depressants.”
“We need to set you up with a psychologist.”
Gotcha. It’s all in my head.
One doctor even tossed out the words “Somatization disorder” which means I have psychological anxiety that’s producing real physical symptoms. When I asked that same doctor if I could have Lyme, he looked me in the eye and stated matter-of-factly, “There’s no Lyme in California.”
Yet, the website for the Center for Disease Control (CDC) says there is:
“Lyme disease is spread through the bite of a blacklegged tick (Ixodes scapularis or Ixodes pacificus) that is infected with Borrelia burgdorferi. In the United States, most infections occur in the following endemic areas: Northeast and mid-Atlantic, from northeastern Virginia to Maine, North central states, mostly in Wisconsin and Minnesota, the West Coast, particularly northern California
Local newspaper articles also confirm Lyme:
And so does the “positive for Lyme” blood test that I got through another doctor following my visit with Dr. No Lyme in California.
You know what makes me psychologically anxious? Doctor’s who imply that I’ve got a mental problem when my gut tells me I’m dying.
For many folks getting an accurate Lyme test is elusive because the bacterial spirochetes that cause Lyme specialize in being elusive. In my case, a Western blot test showed past exposure/infection to Lyme along with a current/recent active infection.
At best guess I’ve been living with these infections for at least 7-10 years, making it a “chronic case.” The Chronic Lyme experience is very different than say for the person who gets bit by a tick, gets a rash, goes to the doctor, gets a months course of antibiotics and is successful in eradicating the Lyme infection. In this best case scenario life can be fabulously normal again.
If untreated for years, Chronic Lyme begins to distort so many aspects of life that it’s hard to remember what normal feels like. It can turn “living” into “surviving” and has the potential to do permanent damage to the body and brain. Through long-term taxation of your organs, it may also end your life.
Untreated Lyme is deadly.
No wonder I felt like I was dying for the last few years. There’s something almost indescribable about feeling your life force wane. The word fatigue doesn’t begin to cover it. If you can imagine the exhaustion you’d feel from crawling out of quicksand, after you’d just finished a big move to a new house during which you moved heavy furniture while sick with pneumonia, that’s probably pretty close. When you’re losing your life force, it’s eerie and unmistakable.
Receiving the answer to a collection of bizarre health symptoms felt wonderful, yet also like being sentenced to a slow and painful death.
You see, the go-to treatment for Chronic Lyme is round after round of fierce antibiotics, taken for YEARS. But, me and antibiotics— we fight with each other before a week is up.
I’d already invested in specialists to help me heal. The stakes are high, I couldn’t help but wonder- Have I made the right choices? Without antibiotics, can I really be helped? What if tearing my gut apart with antibiotics was inevitable and trying other things was getting me behind on healing, possibly walking toward deeper suffering or death?
I was sitting with some big questions having no idea what to do.
To empower myself and boost my spirit, I went online to do research. I scoured health forums looking for shining beacons of hope—Those Who Had Healed. Once I found them I planned to narrow it down to those who’d healed without antibiotics, hoping their stories would yield clues to what might heal me.
The result of my search was slim pickins, so I began to look for just Those Who Had Improved.
In the improved category there were lots of stories about folks who responded well to antibiotics, only to have their symptoms return once they quit taking the medications. Can I get a dislike button for that?
This was a different world I had entered, the World of Online Lyme. It’s a world through which an Empath (a person with the “gift” of feeling other’s emotions) must tread lightly and take plenty of mental breaks.
Wandering through this land of raw agony, the Lyme world, would end up testing my spirit, mind and sanity. I’d both witness and feel fear, frustration and anger. The “justice theme” that makes up a part of my personality kept getting triggered by outrageous injustice. My ability to stay in the moment would be challenged and I’d fight to not project worry upon my future.
Amidst the torment, however, I found equally raw beauty— loving groups of “Lymies” banded together, bearing witness to each other’s anguish and offering compassion to each other.
Although I went in hoping for stories of healing and ideas on treatment, the information I found had me coming out the other side with even more concern.
I now knew that Lyme treatment is not covered by insurance and it costs thousands of dollars a year to treat. How am I going to pay for that?
Words are powerful!
The words I read in forums offered me concepts of microscopic spiraling monsters living inside my body, bacteria and infections so evil, so adaptive, that they can hide anywhere within to ensure their survival until they end mine. Words lingered in my mind: “My body is attacking me… My immune system has turned on me… Lyme is trying to kill me.”
As I read these words they twanged awkwardly against my soul like a guitar grossly out of tune. And yet, they stayed for awhile in my head making me uncomfortable and lost.
I Am a Warrior but I’m Not at War
Slowly, the horror wore off and I began to release those words, clearing space for new ones and creating a pathway through which my divine guides could reach me again.
It finally became clear: To begin healing, I would need a belief system that supports healing and a treatment program that I can put faith in. But, how to get there?
The question~ Do I believe that I can “battle” or “be at war” with anything within me and heal at the same time? Those are two very conflicting energies.
The answer~ I just can’t bring myself to be at war within this amazing body that’s endured and adapted to so much in order to keep me alive.
I am not at war with anything inside me.
I’m not battling for my life.
My body is not housing the enemy.
While certain life factors and genetics made me a candidate more likely to become ill, had I not spent so many years ignorant about how to care for myself I don’t believe I’d be experiencing this deficit of health. What my body has gone through keeping me alive, is nothing short of a miracle. I am awed. My body is not the betrayer. I am.
I didn’t honor my body as a temple that houses a divine soul, because I didn’t know any better.
That’s what I’m giving it today. I must be here on earth for a reason.
Call me crazy, but I believe whatever is going on within— even the presence of bacteria, infections and viruses— is all part of divine body intelligence.
Do these buggers really want to kill their host, thereby ending their own existence? If they’re so freaking clever, aren’t they too smart for that,too?
I’m willing to entertain the idea that there may be a function for them that helps to save my life rather than end it. Bacteria serves a purpose in our world. Perhaps they are busy preventing cancer within me.
I am not at peace with the idea that I need to KILL THE BACTERIA. KILL THE LYME. KILL THE VIRUSES.
I am aligned with this:
Supporting and restoring my immune system to optimal function so it may heal what ails me. Once given what it needs and currently lacks, I believe the body knows what to do.
Can I Heal on the Road Less Traveled?
Once I let go of the idea of battle, harmony returned to my being. That’s was the first step.
The next question was—Am I brave enough to invest all of my belief in what my gut says will heal me even if it’s contrary to popular opinion? For it to work, I must believe.
I decided to put my faith in the Spiritual Law of Cause and Effect— Karma.
I don’t believe I’ve been bad and I deserve to suffer. I’m not talking about this Karma, “the Bitch.” The Karma I know is the balancer of life experience and teacher of compassion. She revealed that my life was terribly off course and a correction was needed. Some of us are so detached from cause and effect that we have to lose everything, including our health, before we understand what really matters.
In the simplest explanation —The effect is Lyme.
My total inability to value and honor myself through love or lifestyle
(because I didn’t know how) was the cause.
Using the same Law of Cause and Effect, I believe that if I apply a new Karma formula there will be a new outcome.
My new formula looks like this:
Trust my life with only those specialists who are willing to be my partner in health, rather than my dictator. I will weigh their suggestions and allow my instinct to lead.
Nurture. I eat now as if my life depends on it, because it does. As does yours. The quality of what I eat is priority. I go to great lengths to feed myself NUTRIENTS with love.
Who I spend time with matters. The quality of my friendships matter. Loving words matter. The presence of gentleness and peace matter. Resolving any feelings of disharmony quickly matters. Speaking with love matters. Authenticity matters.
I will continue to get better at noticing when I’m compromising myself, because all of my needs matter now.
Today I intend to treat myself gently, like precious cargo, which means I’m not the woman I was when I contracted Lyme. I continue to evolve and become New From the Inside Out.
Another incredibly important change is that I have lost my will to be an Army of One. I know I need help.
No matter what route— alternative medicine or Lyme Literate doctors— the process, length of time and cost of healing Lyme is no joke. It’s serious business that costs thousands a year and it’s not covered by insurance.
This is a fundraiser, my way of putting myself out there, boldly hoping that it’s part of the solution.
Will your investment in my health treatments really make a difference? Will I be able to get better? I believe so.
Why? Because on Easter Sunday this year my knees stopped working for me. It felt as if someone was relentlessly stabbing me with an ice pick. I couldn’t stand up and had to scooch around the house on my bottom. It was terrible and my heart went out to the many Lyme patients who have ended up in wheelchairs. For weeks afterward on days that I could stand without support I still had to wrap both knees in ace bandages to keep going. On the days I couldn’t stand on my own I had to use a walker. I’m in my forties for goodness sake! This was a heavy emotional experience for me.
Today, I still have the occasional stabbing knee pain that stops me in my tracks, but I haven’t had to wear an ace bandage for a month now. Why? Because I’ve been receiving treatment for my knee that is helping. YAHOO!!!!
There are many costs involved with making a total lifestyle change and acquiring the gear to support health. Some of these I’ve managed to get by having garage sales or selling items on craigslist. But there’s a few big ticket items left. On the top of that list is the removal of two mercury fillings that continue to drip poison into my system.
Above all else, I need to continue with regular visits to the specialists I’ve chosen to be on my Dream Team.
In order to learn all we need to learn in this lifetime I believe that Karma will balance what has been out of balance, one way or another.
I used to be a “cool chic” who denied her needs to avoid being considered “high maintenance.” I used to give too much, do too much, try and be too much.
I’ve been told that this part of the Lyme journey is about receiving with grace. It’s very possible that the epilogue to my healing story will say: Lyme has balanced what was out of balance in me.
I hope you will join me on my journey. Know that your prayers, loving thoughts and donations impact my life greatly!
This post was originally (and a lot more comfortably) intended to be attached to a raffle giveaway, but I was notified by Paypal that raffles fall into their realm of gambling. If you would still like to help, the Donation button is still allowed.
While I had a moment (or two) of feeling devastated that I could no longer work with that intention, (because it’s much easier on me psychologically to offer a prize rather than ask for a donation), many times in the past when things didn’t go my way it was a blessing in disguise. Dear God, please allow me to recognize the blessing here.
Gift cards to stores and online stores like Whole Foods, Trader Joes, Vitacost or Amazon will be gratefully accepted. I also have a PO box if you wish to contact me directly. Just email me through this site for it.
If you were here, please click “like” on the links. I will understand that you don’t “like” that I’ve got Lyme. Your “like” becomes part of a number count that lets me know I’m not alone here on this page.
Please help me share the message! Tweet it, share it on Facebook or email a friend with the link. All the handy links are at the bottom of this page to make it easy. Many thanks for your help. I appreciate it!
I know that many people suffer with all kinds of chronic illnesses. I don’t have the corner of the market on health challenges. To those reading who are also experiencing life lessons from illness, I send my love out to you and picture you surrounded with a heavenly posse of healers.
If you’re nervous after reading this, I don’t blame you, but that’s not my intention. I’m all about education and prevention. The number one way to ensure you or a loved one doesn’t get Lyme is to protect your immune system function. Eat the highest quality foods you can afford, forgoing sugar and non-organic dairy and focus on your nutrients. For tick prevention read more on the links below!
Peace & love to you always,
More Lyme info:
Tips on Prevention: Click here to read an informative piece on Lyme by California Park Ranger, Steve Diers, a Lyme sufferer. (It was written back in 2005, but still has relevant information.)
Abc News: Cost and Controversy of Lyme
Doctor’s who treat Lyme face peer disdain and harassment: Did you know that states have to pass laws to protect doctors who treat Lyme from harassment?
Watch the Lyme Movie: Under Our Skin
Disclosure: The grammar or typing errors likely to be contained within this post are a symptom of Lyme. Go easy on me.
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