Once upon a time I was a fiercely independent woman who used many mantras to live a very internally lonely and disconnected life:
“I got this.”
“I don’t need anyone’s help.”
“It’s weak (or embarrassing) to ask for help.”
“I can’t rely on anyone.”
I worked very hard to be self-sufficient and took great pride in paying my own way so that I would never need anything from you. If I needed your help that might give you the upper hand, which is something I couldn’t afford emotionally.
That was then, this is now…
Even though I have since allowed that façade to fall, it seems that when a person makes great change, a few energy remnants can get stuck behind and need a little clearing out.
Recently, the angels saw a big opportunity with me. My laptop, my lifeline to the world, began to fail. With no way to replace it, I began to worry and then heard the angels speak to me in the familiar whisper. Ask for help on the blog.
What? You mean publicly? Shudder. No one said that following guidance was comfortable. Ninety percent of the time when I follow angel guidance, I find myself in the stretch zone.
Why do I have to keep revealing things about my life on such a public level?? I whined to the angels. Even as I fussed, I could feel something stirring within my spirit. I could feel Wisdom waiting in the wings, promising to reveal its wonder to me if only I was willing to do my part…take the first step.
My instructions were simple: Ask for help, be honest about why you need help and honor the free will of the reader.
The angels have a great sense of humor. They teased that I wasn’t allowed to “qualify” my donors. There would be no asking donors to prove they could afford to help me (smile). I was encouraged to avoid making comments like “You shouldn’t have,” or “That’s too generous.”
Instead, they told me to focus on my feelings. Treasure the gift and allow yourself to feel honored and grateful. My mission was to “Receive with grace.” Grace defined as: Fully present, smile on my face,thank you on my lips and an open heart.
Focus on the Feelings
The first donation showed up in my Paypal account within moments of the posting. It was from a kindred spirit, a woman who has walked a mile in my shoes, and then some. Although my reflex was to worry about her finances, I remembered my instructions and turned toward my feelings. I could feel her strong sense of understanding and I was overwhelmed with gratitude. The tears of a heart that had been “touched” welled up into my eyes.
The second donation came from a dear author friend of mine whose friendship and emotional support has been priceless. Since we found each other a couple years ago, it’s like we’ve been floating down the same river, experiencing the same things, only at different times. He certainly knows what I’m going through because his raft has already traveled these rapids. He’s been a role model for grace and now he’s floating in much calmer waters, which gives me hope that I will soon be, too.
I paused to let myself feel. There was such sincerity and thoughtfulness in his gift. My heart again began to fill with love and gratitude.
Next, I received a voice mail from a gal who has attended my Sacred Circles. She’s dear to me, a true light in this world. Her message said she wanted to contribute. I was really tested when I went to meet her in person. As she handed me cash, she began explaining why she didn’t have as much as she’d like to give me. “The holidays are coming,” she said. “Maybe after I get paid again, I could give more.”
My eyes watered as I held back what I wanted to say. Are you kidding me? You’re helping me and you feel like you aren’t giving me enough?
Ah.Ah.Ah…the angels whispered in my ear. Receive it with grace. Honor the gift by telling her what her help means to you.
As I stood there with her trying not to cry, I remembered that I’d been told to feel. I could feel that she genuinely cares about me and cares that I need a computer. Why? Because that’s who she is.
Like feathers floating gently down in the air, the angel’s wisdom began to land in my thoughts as I drove home that day.
When a person makes the choice to give, their gift is charged with the energy of love. They give love, but they can also receive that same love charge in return, if the recipient receives the gift with grace, rather than discounting the gift with comments like “You shouldn’t have.”
Gifts received with joy boomerang feelings of joy.
If you are the person receiving and your head is busy being embarrassed that you need help, busy qualifying the donor’s finances, or simply moving through the process too quickly, than you are experiencing it with your mind. Receiving is a process for your FEELINGS, not your mind.
What a shame it would be to miss such a divine feeling of: Community. Oneness. Connection.
Since the money I was given was for the purchase of a tangible item, it was obvious to me that my new laptop would have more meaning than any other computer before. Attached to it would be warm feelings of the community that helped buy it. Every time I pick it up to use it, those memories will be available to me.
Lastly, I was asked once again to return to my feelings. What do you feel about having asked for help so publicly? Thinking back to my old “I don’t need you” self, I saw what a prison I had lived in before, so limited and cut off from the emotions that make life worth living. My recent post had been a public declaration that I’m willing to let people all the way into my life. And the way to do that is to be honest.
I also felt free. Free from any judgments about my worth as a person. Perhaps this was my biggest lesson of all. To even write the post, I had to face my own worth. I had to face the question of “Who do you think you are to trouble others?” I had to ask myself if I was ashamed. I had to ask myself if I deserved help.
In recognizing that I am truly deserving, I set myself free in ways that are still being revealed.
The rest of the money I needed showed up through an early Christmas gift and an unexpected refund check that arrived in the mail. (Interesting…a random check arrived.) Three hundred dollars came together right before Thanksgiving.
On Thanksgiving day, I sat with friends and family purusing the many sales ads. Hey! My mind yelled in excitement. You have enough money to buy a computer!
There were so many computers for sale under $300 that I was overwhelmed with options. Thanks to a family friend who did some on-the-spot “Consumer Reports” research, by the end of the day the only thing left for me to do was set my alarm clock for 2:50 am, Cali time. The online sale would begin at 6 am, eastern standard time and I would be there.
Early morning, Black Friday, I rolled out of bed and headed to my old failing computer. It was my habit to hope it wouldn’t act up, but this morning I had a little feeling that things would be just fine. I was ready to win me the laptop lottery. Did I get one? Of course I did.
By now we all know that it was divinely arranged, right?
Peace & Love~
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© 2011 Kim Vazquez All rights reserved. www.kimvazquez.com You may make copies of this message and distribute in any media as long as you change nothing, credit the author, and include this copyright notice and web address.